Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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