If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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