I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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