I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
