She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
