apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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