Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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