alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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