I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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