Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
