Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
