After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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