I just saw a hot homeless man
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
