well I can't set my house on fire every night
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
