Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
