Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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