could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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