I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
