even my farts smell like vagina
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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