For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
