READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
