Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
