party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
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Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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