I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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