should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
