I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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