every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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