you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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