remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
