DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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