I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
