i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
