Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
