i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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