Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
