I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
