your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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