I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i think i just lost a toe
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
