He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
