I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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