I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
