Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
