I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
