saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
