im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
