All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
