Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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