Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
