she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
