remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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