Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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