I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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