She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
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I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
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Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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