Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
