If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
